


My Fault

by CrashDevil (cjdevlin19)



Series: 'til it's Gone Series [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 09:57:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21013901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjdevlin19/pseuds/CrashDevil
Summary: Y/n and Dean deal with the aftermath of what happened in Kansas City.~~~~~Where’s Sam?” you whispered.“At the butcher, tellin’ him we’re trying to make blood sausage. Gettin’ you something to eat.”You scoffed. “Just let me starve, Dean.”“What?” His eyes snapped to yours. “Why would we?”“That way, when you inevitably take my head, I might leave behind a skinny corpse. Just like you always wanted.”





	My Fault

Dean didn’t turn on the light when he stepped into the dungeon but you could see him, perfectly, anyway. Vampiric vision was helpful in these situations. He leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest, eyes on his boots. He licked his lips and sighed, slightly. “How you feelin’, y/n?” You didn’t respond. The answer was ‘hungry’. In fact, ‘starving’ was closer to right. You rolled your eyes at the thought that, even as a vampire, you eat too damn much. “You not talkin’ to me?”

“Where’s Sam?” you whispered.

“At the butcher, tellin’ him we’re trying to make blood sausage. Gettin’ you something to eat.”

You scoffed. “Just let me starve, Dean.”

“What?” His eyes snapped to yours. “Why would we?”

“That way, when you _ inevitably _ take my head, I might leave behind a skinny corpse. Just like you always wanted.”

His mouth turned down, sadly. “I never cared about your weight, y/n.”

“Really? Because I seem to remember our last argument ended with you calling me a ‘scarred-up fat chick’ so, ya know, forgive me if I don’t buy in to the Smooth Winchester ‘all women are beautiful’ bullshit.”

He adjusted his stance, standing taller. “I didn’t mean that.”

“Lie to me, honey, but don’t lie to yourself.” You shook your head. “Michael told me and he’s in your head, so he’d know.”

“Told you what? The same divisive bullshit he tried on everybody else?”

“He just pointed out the flawed thought processes that took me from thinking you could never love a woman like me to ‘_ Of course he loves me! Dean just doesn’t say the words! _ ’. How pathetic was I to think ‘ _ Dean Winchester shows his love with his actions _’? How pathetic to analyze and latch on to every touch and caress like it meant something?” You scoffed and looked at the ceiling of the dungeon. “None of it meant anything,” you whispered, more to yourself than him.

“I’m so sorry, y/n. This is all my fault.”

You looked back at him and shrugged as best you could while tied to the chair. “I know you’re angling for me to disagree, but I’m kinda _ over _ lying to you to spare your feelings.”

There was a moment of silence. “Well, Cas should have never told you about Kansas City.”

You chuckled. “Keep going, Dean. I’m sure you can find other people to place the blame on. Sam calling me up from Orlando, Jack for almost dying in the first-”

“You never shoulda fed!” he growled.

"There it is,” you whispered as he stomped toward your chair.

“We coulda cured you if you hadn’t fed on human blood! I managed to not do it, why couldn’t _ you _?!”

You looked up into his face, almost boredly. “Well, I was hungry, and I had Michael in my head telling me to give into the hunger, and then I got locked in a room with a snack, so… I gave in.”

His lips twitched as he knelt down in front of you. “No. Not you. You are the strongest, most stubborn woman I’ve ever met. You could’ve fought Michael’s influence. You could’ve kept away from the snack. You’ve got more willpower than anybody I know. You _ chose _ to give in. Why? Why would you want to become this?”

You swallowed and chuckled, but there was nothing happy in the sound. “Do you remember when we met? You had never had anybody see you, the _ real _ you. Cassie and Lisa, they both loved the mask, the you that the real Dean hides under. Do you remember how you felt when you realized you had someone who saw the real Dean?” You could see his Adam’s Apple bob as he swallowed. “That feeling, that’s what Michael gave me. Not love. Michael doesn’t love me, He didn’t even _ need _ me, but He wanted me. He saw _ me _and He wanted me, Dean. He saw that stubbornness and strength and He decided I deserved to be by His side, but He had to improve me a bit, first. ‘Cause what use is an ant to a being of pure celestial power?”

Dean flinched and rubbed his hand across his forehead and you smiled, sadly. “He’s going to get out. You can’t hold Him in there forever, Dean.”

“That’s for _ me _to worry about.”

“You should kill me, Dean,” you said, suddenly.

He stood. “What? No.”

“He’s going to get out and when He does, I’m going to kill everyone you care about.” Dean shook his head. “I attacked Sam and Jack in Hitomi Tower. Michael didn’t even have to tell me to do it. I wanted to. I wanted to please Him. Appraisal is a helluva drug. Just a little recognition and I fall in line. Don’t seem so strong now, do I?”

“You did it because he put his grace in you. You aren’t… you wouldn’t hurt Sam and Jack and Cas. You love them. They’re your family.”

“Not so much, now, are they? Even if I weren’t a monster, I was chased out of the bunker. I don’t live here, anymore. I don’t _ have _ a family, remember? And you’ve pointed out that I don’t have friends. I have hunger and I have Michael.” Dean shook his head and stepped backward from you. You could see tears trying to pop up in Dean’s eyes. Just a little more, just a push. “Michael wants them dead, so I will kill them. I don’t know that I’d even be able to _ try _to stop myself once He gets out, so you better kill me, now, Dean.”

“No. No, I- I can’t.”

“Fucking pick up a machete and do it!” you shouted. Your fangs descended and your breathing was heavy. “Kill me, Dean!”

“I _ can’t _,” he whispered, tears rolling down his cheeks as he looked at you, tied to a chair with your fangs showing. 

“You _ have _ to,” you rasped. “I’m a monster, Dean. You have to!”

“But it’s not your fault, it’s-”

“It is! It’s my fault!”

“You can-you can learn to control the hunger, with the cattle blood and we can get some from blood banks like Benny did and-”

“I can’t control Michael’s grace in my body, forcing me to-”

“_ I can’t kill you, y/n! _” He ran his hand over his face and shook his head. “I love you too much, I can’t. I know what you’re tryin’ to do, but I can’t. I can’t do it.”

Your fangs went back into your gums and you swallowed. “You don’t love me, Dean.”

“Of _ course _ I do!”

“You cheated on me and said terrible things to me, sent me away from the only family I’ve had since the job took my dad because you _ love _ me? Dean, don’t… don’t lie.”

“After what Michael did to you the first time he took me over, I couldn’t… I couldn’t… how could you not hate me? How could you still love me, at all, when you’ve got hundreds of scars on you because of _ me _?”

“Three hundred. There’s three hundred thirty-three of them and every single one of them was put there by Michael, not you. I knew the difference. Besides, love doesn’t stop just because you want it to. But you’ll survive. You don’t really love me, so you’ll get over this.” You shifted and rolled your shoulders. “Go get Cas.” Dean just shook his head, his lips pursed. “Cas can do it. If you can’t kill me, Cas can.”

“No. We’ll just keep you on lockdown until we figure out how to deal with Michael and then… then you can… Benny did it, Lenore and her nest did it… you can do this.”

You smiled, sadly. “You’re just not gonna let me die, are you?”

“Nope.”

“Dean, I have nothing. I don’t want to spend the rest of forever as a _ monster _with nothing.”

Dean licked his lips. “You have Sam and Cas and Jack. You have… me, if you still-”

“You don’t-”

“Stop! Just listen.” Dean stepped forward and knelt in front of you again. “I should never have chased you away. I should have never have… if I hadn’t fucked around and started fights with you, if I hadn’t said… what I said… I never… fuck, y/n. I shouldn’t have chased you off. If you were with us instead of going off to Kansas City by yourself, you never would have… Michael never would have… This is my fault and I’m so stupid.”

“Dean.”

“No.” He reached forward and placed his hands on your thighs. “This is my fault. I shouldn’t have… it’s my fault. We’ll figure out a way to fix this.” He leaned up and pressed his lips to yours in a chaste kiss. “We're gonna be okay,” he promised as he pulled back and walked out of the room.

You waited a few moments, savoring the feel of his warmth on your lips, before taking a deep breath. “Cas, I can hear you over there in the dark corner.” The angel stepped out, a somber look on his face.

“I'm so sorry, y/n.”

“It's not your fault.”

“I shouldn't have let you go to Kansas City alone.”

You scoffed. “I don't really want to play another game of ‘Share the Blame’. I was weak. I fed. I attacked the people I love and I would do it again. I _ will _ if Michael gets released. You know what you have to do, what Dean _ couldn't _do. Please. I can't stay like this.”

The angel sighed, heavily, and stepped closer. “Do you… is there anything you want to say, messages for Sam, Dean, and Jack?” 

“Just tell them I love them and it had to happen like this. I couldn't… just tell them I love them.”

Castiel nodded and placed his hand on your forehead. “They love you, too.” His gravel words were the last thing you heard before white-hot energy filled you and darkness took over.


End file.
